If your child is waiting for an answer right now
Say This, Slowly, Then Stop
Get down to their level, or sit on the edge of the bed. Hold out one finger.
- "Squeeze my finger. As hard as you can."
- "Feel that? That is your body, strong and busy. It is working hard at growing you."
- "Everything that is alive dies one day. But nearly everybody lives until they are very old, with grey hair and wrinkly hands. You have a whole long life to live first."
- "I am really glad you asked me. You can ask me anything about it, any time you like."
Then stop talking. Hold them. Wait. Whatever they say next tells you what they were really asking.
That wording suits a child of about four to eight. A three year old needs fewer words. An eleven year old will spot a dodge, so be plainer and let them ask more.
That is enough for tonight. The rest of this page is for the morning after: whether you said the right thing, and what to say when it comes back.
Why Your Child Is Asking, And Why It Is Not Morbid
A dead bird on the path. A film. The news. A classmate whose grown-up died. Sometimes nothing at all, and the question simply turns up on a Tuesday.
Somewhere around five to seven, most children work out that dying is forever. It varies a lot, and it is not a switch. But once a child has grasped it, the next thought is obvious: then it could happen to me. Or to you.
So the question is not a sign that something is wrong. It is a child working out how the world fits together, and checking it with the person they trust most. The fact that they asked you is a good sign.
The Night My Six Year Old Asked Me
One of mine was six. Light off, nobody had died, nothing on the news. I was halfway out of the bedroom door when a small voice from under the duvet said, "Daddy, are you going to die?"
I had not one word ready. So I went back, sat on the edge of the bed, held a finger out in the dark and said, "Squeeze." She squeezed, and I started talking about hearts.
That squeeze is still how I start. A child has to feel a body working before "the body stops" can mean anything.
But look at what she actually asked. Not "Am I going to die?" She asked about me. Those are two different questions, and they need two different answers.
"Am I Going To Die?" And "Are You Going To Die?" Are Two Different Fears
"Am I going to die?" is about their own body. The script at the top of this page answers it: your body is strong, nearly everybody lives until they are very old, and you have a whole life first.
"Are you going to die?" often has a different question hiding underneath it: who would look after me?
So the most comforting answer is not a promise. It is a plan with real names in it. Tell them that if anything ever happened to you, Auntie Jo would look after them, and they would never be on their own. Put your own person where that name is. Only name somebody you have actually asked, and if you have not asked anyone yet, "lots of people love you and would look after you" is true, and enough for tonight.
What Not To Say, Even Though You Will Want To
Each of these comes from love. Each one causes a problem you will not see for a while.
- "Children don't die." It is nearly always true, which is exactly why it hurts when it is not. If your child later hears about a child who died, they learn you were wrong about the biggest thing there is. "Nearly every child grows up and grows old" is true, and it still comforts.
- "I promise I will never die." You cannot keep it, and older children know you cannot. Promise what you can keep: you are planning to be here for a very long time, and they will always be looked after.
- "Don't be silly. Go to sleep." What a child hears is "do not ask me that". So they stop asking you. They do not stop thinking about it, and now they think about it alone.
- "One day you'll go to sleep and not wake up." Now sleep is the dangerous thing. Do not be surprised if bedtime gets harder for a long while.
If you already said one of these, it is not too late. Go back tomorrow, when things are calm: "I have been thinking about what you asked me last night, and I want to give you a better answer." Then give the true one. A better second answer is worth far more than a perfect first one that never came.
If You Are Ill, Do Not Promise What You Cannot Keep
If you cannot honestly promise to be around for a long time, please do not give a reassurance you might have to take back. Children usually sense that something is wrong, and not knowing can frighten them more than the truth.
Keep it true and simple: you are poorly, the doctors are looking after you, you will always tell them the truth about it, and whatever happens they will always be looked after. Winston's Wish and Child Bereavement UK both support families when a parent is seriously ill, before anyone has died. Please talk to them: that conversation needs more than this page.
It Will Come Back, Probably At Breakfast
The same question turns up with a mouth full of cereal, or the next night, word for word, as though you had never answered it.
That is normal. It is how a child checks that the answer still holds. Give the same calm answer, in the same words, as many times as they need it. This is why having the words written down helps: you are not inventing a fresh answer at ten past six in the morning, and your child hears the same true thing every time.
If someone has died, the questions get harder: Where is he now? Can we dig her up? And if there is a funeral, give your child a real choice about going, and tell them beforehand exactly what they will see.
When To Get More Help
Most of this is normal: the same question asked ten times, clinginess at the school gate, sudden worry that you will die, and bedtime getting harder for a while.
Talk to your GP or your child's school if:
- the worry keeps getting bigger instead of slowly getting smaller;
- your child stops eating, sleeping or playing;
- they talk about wanting to die, or wanting to be with someone who has died;
- or you are simply worried. That is reason enough.
Free support in the UK: Childline on 0800 1111, any time, for your child to ring themselves. Child Bereavement UK, Winston's Wish and Cruse Bereavement Support for families after a death.
This page is one parent's words, written down. It is not counselling, and it does not replace counselling.
The Full Answer, Written Out For Your Child's Age
The script at the top is one version, pitched at the middle of the age range. What Happens When You Die is the whole thing, written out word for word so you can read it in your own head before you need it:
- "Are you going to die?" and "Am I going to die?", answered separately for ages 3 to 5, 6 to 8 and 9 to 12.
- "But who would look after me?", the question underneath.
- Three full talks, one for each age band. Three different talks, not one cut shorter.
- Fifteen questions that come back, with answers, including "Where is she now?", "Is it my fault?" and "Can we dig her up?"
- What to say when nobody has died: a dead bird, a film, the news, a classmate's grown-up.
- What your family believes, with a version for Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu or Sikh and non-religious families, plus "we are still working it out".
- Burial and cremation in words a child can hold, a Words To Swap page, what to do if you already said the wrong thing, and a fridge card to print and cut out.
The words you change, like names, are marked in yellow. If it does not help, email me within 30 days and you get every penny back, no reason needed.
Not Buying Anything Today? Take The Free Card.
The Pocket Three Card is free for an email address. It gives you five lines to say when it happens, the soft phrases to swap for true ones, what to say if you already used one, and three short lines printed big enough to stick on the fridge, so you both have the answer when the question comes back.
It downloads as soon as you enter your email on the home page, with a copy sent to you so you still have it next week.
Questions Parents Ask
Is it normal for a five year old to ask "Am I going to die?"
Yes. Around five to seven, many children are working out that death is forever, and the obvious next thought is whether it could happen to them. It is curiosity and a little fear, not a sign that something is wrong. A short, true, calm answer is what they need.
Should I promise my child that I will not die?
No. You cannot keep that promise, and older children know it. Tell them you are planning to be here for a very long time, and that they would always be looked after, by name if you can. A plan comforts a child more than a promise does.
My child keeps asking the same question every night. Is that okay?
Yes. Children check an answer by asking for it again, sometimes for weeks. Give the same calm answer each time. If the worry keeps growing, or it stops them eating, sleeping or playing, talk to your GP or your child's school.
You will not say it perfectly. Nobody does. Your child does not need perfect. They need a true answer, in small words, from someone who stays in the room.