If you need to tell them today
Tell Them It Is Serious, Before It Is The End
Sit somewhere quiet and ordinary, close to your child. Put in the name your child uses where Grandad is, and the real name of the illness where cancer is.
- "I need to tell you something sad about Grandad."
- "You know he has been going to the hospital a lot. He has an illness called cancer. The doctors have tried lots of medicine, and it is not working any more."
- "That means Grandad is going to die. Not today. We do not know exactly when. The doctors and nurses are looking after him, to keep him as comfortable as they can."
- "When he dies, his body will stop working, and he will not come back."
- "Until then, we can go and see him and give him lots of love. You can ask me anything about it, and I promise I will tell you if anything changes."
Then stop, and let them go next. They might cry, ask a question, or ask what is for tea. All of it is normal.
That wording suits a child of about six to eight. A three year old needs fewer words: very, very poorly, the doctors cannot make it better, so Grandad is going to die. A child of ten or eleven can take more of the facts, and deserves them.
Those are the hardest words. The rest of this page is for the weeks in between: the visits, the questions, the goodbye, and what comes after.
Why Telling Them Before Matters
The biggest mistake here is a loving one. We keep it from them so they can be happy a little longer. Then the death arrives out of a clear sky, and they missed the goodbye everybody else got.
Children also hear more than we think: phone calls, whispers, a grown-up crying in the kitchen. When nobody explains, a child fills the gap with something of their own, and it is often worse than the truth.
A few weeks of knowing is a gift. It gives your child time to understand, to visit, and to say the things they want to say.
Use The Real Name Of The Illness
With children over about five, say what the illness is called. "Not very well" makes a child think of a cold, and colds get better. If it is cancer, many children quietly wonder whether they can catch it. Tell them they cannot, and that they can still hug him and sit on his bed, if the nurses say it is OK.
And if they ask "Is Grandad going to die?", give them a straight answer. If the answer is yes, say yes. "The doctors are doing everything they can" sounds kind, but it lets a child believe in a rescue that is not coming.
Before A Visit, Tell Them What They Will See
Most of what frightens a child at a bedside is surprise. A tube they did not expect. A beep. Grandad looking thinner than last time. So describe it in the car, before you go in: the bed with rails on the side, a thin tube under his nose that gives him extra air, a drip on a pole, machines that beep, and that beeping is normal. He might look thinner or paler, and very sleepy. He is still Grandad.
If he is in a hospice, the word may frighten you more than it frightens your child. Many families have never been inside one. Most are quiet, calm places, and many welcome children. Ring and ask before you go. To a child you can say: a hospice is a special kind of hospital, where the doctors and nurses are not trying to make Grandad better, because his illness cannot get better. Their job is to make sure he is comfortable and not hurting.
Then give them three things:
- A job. A drawing for the wall, a photo to show him, a comic to read to him, his hand to hold.
- A time limit. Ten or fifteen minutes is a good visit for a young child. Leave before they are bored, so the last feeling is a good one.
- A way out. Agree a signal before you go in. Squeezing your hand twice means "I want to go out now". Then take them out, with no questions.
When They Do Not Want To Visit
Some children refuse. They may be frightened of how Grandad looks now, of the hospital, or of crying in front of him. Do not force it. Offer other ways: a card you take in, a message recorded on your phone and played to him, a photo of the two of them for his room. And tell them that if they change their mind, even tomorrow, that is fine.
If they later wish they had gone, please do not say "I did ask you". Say: "You made the choice that felt right then. Grandad knew you loved him."
When The End Is Days Away
Tell older children what to expect, so they do not think something has gone wrong. Grandad may sleep nearly all the time and stop eating, because his body does not need food now. His breathing may sound different. He may not open his eyes. Nurses say people can often still hear, right until the end, so your child can still talk to him.
This is a good time to say goodbye, if your child wants to. They can tell him anything: that they love him, their favourite thing they did together, thank you, even a joke he would like. Afterwards, whatever they said, even if it was only "bye", tell them it was exactly right.
If Grandad Is Your Dad
Very often the person who has to tell the child is the person who is about to lose the most. You are allowed to cry in front of them. Just name it, so it does not frighten them: "I'm crying because I'm really sad. Grandad is my dad, and I'm going to miss him so much."
Your child may also do a sum you have not done yet. Grandad is your dad. So parents can die. So you can die. Many children will not say it out loud. They just get clingy, or ask where you are going when you pop to the shop. Say it for them: ask if they have been wondering about it, then tell them you are planning to be here for a very long time, and that if anything ever changed with your health, you would tell them.
You need help too. Your GP and Cruse Bereavement Support are there for grown-ups, and so are your friends.
The Question I Was Not Ready For
When my children's Nan died, the question that caught me out came after the funeral, not before it.
The service was over. We were back in the car, in the car park, and nobody had started the engine. My middle one was seven. Seatbelt already on. Still looking at the doors we had just walked out of. "Dad. Is Nan in the box?"
I had no answer. I stared at the parking ticket on the dashboard as if somebody might have written one on the back of it.
So if there is time now, use some of it to get ready for the funeral too. Tell your child what a coffin is, and that the body inside cannot feel anything: it is not squashed, or scared, or cold, and the part of Grandad that laughed and talked is not in there any more. Give them a real choice about going, once they know what they would see, and let them change their mind right up to the moment you arrive.
Four Phrases To Leave Out
- "Grandad is going away." Away means coming back. A small child will wait for him.
- "He's going to go to sleep." Now sleep is the dangerous thing, and bedtime can get much harder. Say "die".
- "Be brave for Grandad." It makes crying sound like failing. Tell them they can feel however they feel.
- "Don't upset your mum." It teaches a child to hide sadness to protect the grown-ups. Tell them they can come and talk to either of you any time, and that it helps.
If you already said one of these, it is not too late. Go back when things are calm and say the true thing, in plain words. A better second answer is worth far more than a perfect first one.
Tell The School
One short message to the teacher is enough. Say that your child's grandad is very ill and is going to die, that your child knows, and that you are using the word "die" at home. A teacher who knows can give a quiet word instead of a telling-off, and can warn you before a lesson on family trees or grandparents' day.
When To Get More Help
A lot of this looks worrying and is normal: the same question asked many times, clinginess, sudden worry that you will die too, playing games about hospitals, and bedtime getting harder for a while.
Talk to your GP or your child's school if:
- the worry keeps getting bigger instead of slowly getting smaller;
- your child stops eating, sleeping or playing;
- they talk about wanting to die, or wanting to be with Grandad after he dies;
- the grandparent is their main carer, the person who does the school run and the tea;
- or you are simply worried. That is reason enough.
Free support in the UK: some hospices have staff whose job is supporting children, so ask the hospice or ward what they offer. Childline on 0800 1111, any time, for your child to ring themselves. Child Bereavement UK and Winston's Wish for children, and Cruse Bereavement Support for the whole family.
This page is one parent's words, written down. It is not counselling, and it does not replace counselling.
Every Word For Before, During And After, Written Out For Your Child's Age
The script at the top of this page is one version, for one age. When A Grandparent Dies is the whole thing, written out word for word so you can read it in peace tonight, before you have to say it out loud:
- When you are grieving too. It starts with you, before a word to your child, because this may be your own mum or dad.
- The long goodbye: hospital and hospice, what they will see and hear, and what to do when they will not visit.
- Three full talks, for ages 3 to 5, 6 to 8 and 9 to 12. Three different talks, not one cut shorter.
- Dementia, including "When Nan didn't know my name".
- The funeral: a real choice about going, what they will see, a small job they can do, a plan B grown-up, the wake and the chapel of rest.
- The empty chair: the first Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day and Father's Day. And "Who will look after me now?"
- Keeping them close: the memory box, the recipe, the cardigan. Plus burial and cremation in words a child can hold, a Words To Swap page, when to get more help, and a fridge card to print and cut out.
The words you change, like the name your child uses, are marked in yellow. If it does not help, email me within 30 days and you get every penny back, no reason needed.
For more than one goodbye: the Complete Set is all three packs, for a pet, a grandparent and the question out of nowhere, plus eleven printable Memory Pages, for £29.99.
Not Buying Anything Today? Take The Free Card.
The Pocket Three Card is free for an email address. It gives you five lines to say when someone dies, the soft phrases like "gone to sleep" with a true sentence to use instead, what to say if you already used one, and three short lines printed big enough to stick on the fridge.
It downloads as soon as you enter your email on the home page, with a copy sent to you so you still have it next week.
Questions Parents Ask
Should I tell my child that their grandad is dying?
Yes, if you can, and before the end. Use plain words and the real name of the illness: the doctors cannot make it better, so Grandad is going to die. It gives your child time to understand, to visit and to say goodbye, instead of the death arriving out of nowhere.
Should my child visit a grandparent in hospital or a hospice?
If they want to, and they are prepared first. Tell them in the car what they will see and hear, keep the visit short, give them a small job, and agree a signal for when they want to leave. Many hospices welcome children, so ring and ask before you go.
What if my child does not want to visit?
Do not force it. Offer other ways to say goodbye: a card you take in, a recorded message, or a photo for the room. Tell them they can change their mind. If they later wish they had gone, tell them they made the choice that felt right then, and that Grandad knew they loved him.
You will not say it perfectly, and you may be saying it while losing your own dad. Your child will not remember the exact words. They will remember that you told them the truth, and that you stayed.