If you need to tell them today
Tell Them Before, In Plain Words
If you have a day or two, use it. Sit somewhere quiet, close to your child. Put your dog's name where Rosie is.
- "I need to tell you something sad about Rosie."
- "You know she has been poorly. The vet has looked at her really carefully, and her body cannot get better. It is starting to hurt her."
- "So on Saturday, the vet is going to give her an injection, and she will die. It will not hurt her. We will be there, stroking her."
- "When she dies, her body stops working, and it does not start again. She cannot come back."
- "This is nobody's fault. Not yours, not mine, not the vet's."
- "We have got until Saturday with her. Shall we make it the best few days she has ever had?"
Then stop, and let them go next. They might cry. They might ask a question. They might go and find her lead. All of it is normal.
That wording suits a child of about five to eight. A three year old needs fewer words. A child of ten or eleven can take the real word, euthanasia, and a plainer explanation of what the vet does.
That is the hardest sentence out of the way. The rest of this page is for everything around it: the word you will hear at the vet, whether your child should come, what to do afterwards, and what to tell school.
Why Telling Them Before Matters
It is tempting to do it quietly while they are at school. It feels kinder. It usually is not.
A child who comes home to an empty basket loses the chance to say goodbye. They can also decide that pets simply vanish, and start to wonder quietly what else might. A day or two of warning gives them a goodbye they will remember, instead of a gap they cannot explain.
If there was no warning, because it was sudden or the vet said it had to be today, that is not your fault. Tell them as soon as you can, in the same plain words.
The Phrase To Leave Out: "Put To Sleep"
You will hear it from kind people all week. It is a gentle phrase for grown-ups. To a young child it joins two ideas together that should never meet: going to sleep, and never waking up.
I learned this the hard way. My eldest was five when our dog died. We sat on the back step and she asked me, "Is he coming back?" I said, "He has gone to sleep." It felt like the kindest sentence in the world. She would not go to bed that night, or most nights for a fortnight after. Sleep was the thing that had taken the dog.
So use the word "died". It sounds hard to grown-up ears. To a child it is the only word that does not leave a door open. If somebody says "put to sleep" in front of your child, you do not need to correct them on the spot. Later, quietly, say the true thing: she died, and sleeping is different, because when you sleep you always wake up.
Should Your Child Be In The Room?
There is no single right answer, and families choose differently. Some children say goodbye at home first and stay home. Some older children want to be there and are glad afterwards that they were. Some just need to see their pet afterwards, to know it really happened.
Whatever you choose, two things matter. If your child is coming, tell them first what they will see, and ask your vet beforehand what will happen with your dog, so there are no surprises in the room. And let them change their mind, right up to the car park.
Ask what they think, but keep the decision itself with the grown-ups. A child should help with the goodbye, not the yes or no.
On The Day, And After
Afterwards, tell them plainly, even if you told them before: she died, it did not hurt her, and it was nobody's fault. Then let them see you be sad. Your child is watching a grown-up be sad and still be there, and that is the most useful thing they will learn all week.
Give them a job in the goodbye if they want one. Choosing where she is buried in the garden, or where her ashes go. Drawing a picture to go with her. Keeping her collar. A goodbye with a small job in it is one a child can hold on to.
Expect the questions to come back. "When is Rosie coming home?" might arrive tomorrow, or ten times. That does not mean your answer failed. It is how a young child learns something this big. Give the same calm answer every time: she died, she cannot come back, and I miss her too.
If money was part of the decision, do not hide it behind a different reason. Children tend to find things out later, and then they wonder what else was not true.
Three More Phrases To Leave Out
- "She's gone to live on a farm." One day they find out. Then they wonder what else you told them that was not true.
- "We lost her." Lost things get found. A small child may quietly wait for somebody to go and look.
- "We'll get another one just like her." Maybe one day. Said now, it tells a child that the dog they loved could be swapped.
If you already said one of these, it is not too late to put right. Say sorry first, then say the true thing: she died. Do it soon, and let them be cross with you if they need to be.
Tell The School
One short message to the teacher or nursery is enough. Say that your dog has died, that your child is upset, and that you are using the word "died" at home. A teacher who knows can give a quiet word instead of a telling-off for staring out of the window.
When To Get More Help
Sadness that comes and goes, clinginess, the same question asked again and again, and bedtime getting harder for a while are all normal after a pet dies. For many children it is their first death, and it deserves to be taken seriously.
Talk to your GP or your child's school if the sadness keeps getting bigger instead of slowly getting smaller, your child stops eating, sleeping or playing, or you are simply worried. That is reason enough.
Free support in the UK: Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Support, for when it is a pet. Childline on 0800 1111, any time, for your child to ring themselves. And if the loss is a person, Child Bereavement UK, Winston's Wish and Cruse Bereavement Support.
This page is one parent's words, written down. It is not counselling, and it does not replace counselling.
Every Word For The Vet Week, Written Out For Your Child's Age
The script at the top of this page is one version, for one age. When A Pet Dies is the whole week, written out word for word so you can read it in peace tonight, before you have to say it out loud:
- The Vet Week: what to say before, whether your child should be in the room, what they will see, and what to say after. Including when cost was part of it.
- Three full talks, for ages 3 to 5, 6 to 8 and 9 to 12. Three different talks, not one cut shorter.
- The "put to sleep" problem, and the two sentences that fix it.
- When it is sudden, and the pet that never came home.
- "She's gone to a farm", and how to walk it back.
- Hamsters, fish and guinea pigs: why you never flush it, and never buy a lookalike replacement.
- A ready-to-send message for school, burial and cremation in words a child can hold, a Words To Swap page, what to do if you already said the wrong thing, and a fridge card to print and cut out.
The words you change, like your pet's name, are marked in yellow. If it does not help, email me within 30 days and you get every penny back, no reason needed.
For more than one goodbye: the Complete Set is all three packs, for a pet, a grandparent and the question out of nowhere, plus eleven printable Memory Pages, for £29.99.
Not Buying Anything Today? Take The Free Card.
The Pocket Three Card is free for an email address. It gives you five lines to say when it happens, the soft phrases like "gone to sleep" with a true sentence to use instead, what to say if you already used one, and three short lines printed big enough to stick on the fridge.
It downloads as soon as you enter your email on the home page, with a copy sent to you so you still have it next week.
Questions Parents Ask
Should I tell my child before the dog is put down?
If you possibly can, yes. A day or two of warning gives your child the chance to say goodbye, instead of coming home to an empty basket. Use plain words: the vet cannot make her better, she is going to die, and it will not hurt her.
Should my child be there when the dog is put down?
There is no single right answer. Many families say goodbye at home first. Some older children want to be in the room. If your child comes, tell them beforehand what they will see, ask your vet what will happen, and let them change their mind at any point.
Is it okay to say the dog was "put to sleep"?
It is better not to with young children. It can link sleep with never waking up, and bedtime can get harder. Say "died" instead, and if they hear "put to sleep" from someone else, explain later that sleeping is different, because when you sleep you always wake up.
You will not say it perfectly, and your voice will probably go somewhere in the middle. Let it. Your child is learning that a sad thing can happen in your house, and everybody is still there at breakfast.