Say this at bedtime tonight
Tell Them Sleeping Is Safe, The Same Way Every Night
Sit on the edge of the bed, with the light still on if they want it. Put in the name your child uses where Grandad is, and the real cause, in simple words, where his heart was very old and tired is.
- "I know bedtime has felt hard since Grandad died. That makes sense, and it's okay."
- "Sleeping is safe. Your body keeps working all night. Your heart beats and you breathe, and in the morning you wake up."
- "Grandad died because his heart was very old and tired, and it stopped. Going to sleep didn't make it happen. Sleeping is different. When you sleep, you always wake up."
- "I'm just downstairs. You can ask me anything about it, any time. Even tonight."
Then say the second line again, word for word, every night for a week or two. The repetition is the point. A child who hears the same calm sentence every night starts to believe it.
Keep line three only if sleep has become part of the worry. If he died in his sleep and your child knows it, say that plainly too: "He died in the night, but sleeping didn't make it happen. His heart stopped because it was very old and tired." A three year old needs just line two. A child of ten or eleven may need you to name the fear out loud for them: "Are you worried something will happen to me in the night?"
That is enough for tonight. The rest of this page is why bedtime is where it comes out, and what helps while it settles.
Why Bedtime Is Where Grief Turns Up
All day, a grieving child has school, telly, friends and tea to fill the space. At bedtime all of that stops. The light goes off, the house goes quiet, and for the first time all day there is nothing between them and the thing that happened.
So bedtime is when the questions arrive. Not at the kitchen table where you had planned to talk, but just as you turn off the light and get halfway out of the door. That is not your child being difficult. It is the first quiet moment they have had.
There is often a second fear too. A child who has just learned that people die can do a quick sum: if Grandad died, you could die. And the night is when you are furthest away. Some children cannot sleep because they need to keep checking you are still there.
When "Sleep" Became The Frightening Word
Sometimes the trouble started with a kind word. My eldest was five when our dog died. We sat on the back step, her in her school shoes, me with a cup of tea gone cold, and she asked, "Is he coming back?" I said, "He has gone to sleep."
It felt like the kindest sentence in the world. She would not go to bed that night, or most nights for a fortnight after. Sleep was the thing that had taken the dog.
If anybody said "gone to sleep", "put to sleep" or "resting" to your child, that may be what is happening at bedtime. The fix is to take the word back, gently, and soon. Say sorry, then the true thing: "I told you he'd gone to sleep. That wasn't the right thing to say, and I'm sorry. He died. Sleeping is different. When you go to sleep, you always wake up. Always."
If it was a relative who said it, you do not need to blame them. "Uncle Pete said that because it's a gentle way of saying it. But he didn't go to sleep. He died."
What Helps, Night By Night
- Keep the routine exactly the same. Same bath, same story, same time. When everything else has changed, a bedtime that has not is a small, steady thing to hold on to.
- Talk earlier in the evening. If the big questions only ever arrive at lights out, make a little space for them after tea: "Is there anything about Grandad you've been wondering about?" Some will still wait for bedtime. That is fine.
- Say where you will be. "I'm going downstairs to watch telly. I'll come up at ten and check on you." Then do it. A child who is scared of losing you is helped by knowing exactly where you are.
- A light on is fine. So is the door open. These are small things to give, and many children let go of them on their own as the worry fades.
- Something to hold. A photo by the bed, Grandad's old jumper, the dog's collar. Some children want to sleep with something that still smells of the person, for a while. Let them.
- Stay a bit longer, for now. Sitting with them until they drop off, or letting them come into your bed for a while, is not spoiling them. It is comfort, at the time of day they need it most. You can ease back gently once things settle.
- Answer the 2am question. If they wake and ask, give the short, true answer in the same words you use in the day, and settle them back. The middle of the night is not the time for a long talk, but it is not the time to say "not now" either.
If They Ask "Are You Going To Die Tonight?"
Give a true answer, not a promise you might not be able to keep. "I'm healthy, and I'm planning to be here for a very, very long time. I'm just downstairs, and I'll come and see you when you wake up." If they need more, tell them who would look after them if anything ever happened to you, by name, so the worry has somewhere to land.
If you are ill yourself, please do not promise what you cannot keep. Winston's Wish and Child Bereavement UK both support families when a parent is seriously ill. There is more on this question in what to say when your child asks "Am I going to die?"
Three Things To Leave Out At Bedtime
- "Don't be silly, there's nothing to be scared of." To your child there is. What they learn is not to tell you, so now they lie awake with it on their own.
- "Nan's watching over you." Comforting for some children. Frightening for others, alone in a dark room. If you are not sure how yours will take it, check before you say it.
- "Just close your eyes and stop thinking about it." They cannot. Now they are thinking about it, and worrying that they cannot stop.
If you already said one of these, it is not too late. Go back tomorrow evening, before bedtime, and say the true thing.
How Long Will It Last?
For many children, bedtime being harder is one of the normal parts of grief, and it slowly eases over the following weeks. It can also come back for a night or two around a birthday, Christmas or the anniversary. That does not mean you are back to the start.
What you are watching for is the direction. Harder, then a bit easier, then a bad night, then easier again, is grief doing its work. Getting steadily worse, week after week, is the time to ask for help.
When To Get More Help
A lot of this is normal for a while: wanting the light on, coming into your bed, questions at lights out, clinginess, and worry that you will die too.
Talk to your GP or your child's school if:
- the sleep problems keep getting worse instead of slowly easing;
- your child is so tired it is affecting school, eating or play;
- they have nightmares or frightening memories, especially if they saw the death or something frightening around it;
- they talk about wanting to die, or wanting to be with the person who died;
- or you are simply worried. That is reason enough.
Free support in the UK: Childline on 0800 1111, any time, for your child to ring themselves. Child Bereavement UK, Winston's Wish and Cruse Bereavement Support for families after a death. And if it was a pet, Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Support.
This page is one parent's words, written down. It is not counselling, and it does not replace counselling. If you are worried about your child's sleep, your GP is the right first call.
The Words That Stop Bedtime Going Wrong, Written Out For Your Child's Age
A lot of bedtime trouble starts with one gentle word said in the first few hours. Each pack is the whole conversation for one kind of goodbye, written out word for word, so the first thing your child hears is the true thing. Every pack has a Words To Swap page with "gone to sleep" on it, and in every pack the talk for ages 6 to 8 tells your child they can ask again any day, even at bedtime.
- What Happens When You Die (37 pages). For when your child asks what dying is, whether or not someone has died. It includes the bedtime line from the top of this page, and fifteen questions that come back, including "Is dying like sleeping?"
- When A Pet Dies (26 pages). The Vet Week, and the "put to sleep" problem with the two sentences that fix it.
- When A Grandparent Dies (43 pages). The long goodbye, the funeral, keeping them close with the cardigan and the memory box, and what to say when a relative says "she's gone to sleep".
- In every pack: three full talks, for ages 3 to 5, 6 to 8 and 9 to 12, burial and cremation in words a child can hold, when to get more help, and a fridge card to print and cut out.
The words you change, like names, are marked in yellow. If it does not help, email me within 30 days and you get every penny back, no reason needed.
For more than one goodbye: the Complete Set is all three packs, plus eleven printable Memory Pages, for £29.99.
Not Buying Anything Today? Take The Free Card.
The Pocket Three Card is free for an email address. It gives you five lines to say when someone dies, the soft phrases like "gone to sleep" with a true sentence to use instead, what to say if you already used one, and three short lines printed big enough to stick on the fridge.
It downloads as soon as you enter your email on the home page, with a copy sent to you so you still have it next week.
Questions Parents Ask
Is it normal for a child not to sleep after someone dies?
Yes. Bedtime getting harder for a while is a normal part of grief in children. It is the first quiet moment of the day, and a child may also be worried that you could die in the night. Keep the routine the same and give the same calm words each night.
My child won't sleep since I said the pet was put to sleep. What do I do?
Take the word back gently and soon. Say sorry, then the true thing: the pet died, and sleeping is different, because when you sleep you always wake up. Then say at bedtime, every night for a week or two: sleeping is safe, your body keeps working all night, and in the morning you wake up.
Should I let my grieving child sleep in my bed?
For a while, many parents do, and it is comfort rather than a bad habit. You can ease back gently once things settle. If sleep keeps getting worse over several weeks, or there are nightmares that do not ease, talk to your GP.
Some nights will still be hard. On those nights you do not need a new answer. You need the same one, said calmly, from the edge of the bed, until they drop off.