If you need to tell them today
Very Few Words, Said Very Plainly
Get down to their level, or sit them on your knee. Put the name your child uses where Nan is. It works for a pet too: just change the name.
- "Come and sit with me. I have something sad to tell you. Nan died."Then stop for a moment. They may say nothing, or ask for juice. Both are fine.
- "Can you squeeze my finger? Now wiggle your toes. Now take a big breath. Your body can do all of that."
- "When somebody dies, their body stops. It can't squeeze. It can't wiggle. It can't breathe. Nan's body stopped."
- "It doesn't hurt her. She isn't cold. She isn't hungry. She isn't scared."
- "She can't come back. Not after nap time. Not tomorrow. That's why I'm sad. You can be sad too."
- "You didn't do anything to make it happen. And all the love you have for Nan is still in there. Dying doesn't stop the love."
Then hold them, and let them go next. They might cry, ask a question, or run off to play. At this age, all of it is normal.
That is about the right length for a three, four or five year old. If your child is six or seven, they are usually ready for a little more of the how and why.
That is the hardest part done. The rest of this page is about how a child this age takes it in, and what to do when it all comes back tomorrow.
How A Child This Age Understands Death
Little children think in bodies and in "now". They know what a body does: it runs, eats, cuddles, talks. So the clearest way in is through what the body has stopped doing. That is why the script starts with a finger squeeze. A child has to feel a body working before "the body stopped" can mean anything.
What a three or four year old usually does not have yet is the idea of forever. Things in their world go away and come back: Daddy goes to work, Granny goes home after a visit, the cartoon ends and starts again. So even after a clear, kind explanation, they may still expect the person, or the pet, to come back. That is not you explaining it badly. It is where their understanding is.
Understanding that dying is forever tends to arrive somewhere around five to seven, though every child is different. Until then, your job is not to get it perfect in one go. It is to say the same true thing, calmly, as many times as they need it.
"When Is She Coming Back?"
You will hear this. Maybe tonight. Maybe ten times this week. Maybe every time you drive past her house.
It does not mean the talk failed. It is how a little child learns something this big: by asking, and checking that the answer is still the same. Give the same short answer every time, in the same words, as calmly as you can:
"Nan died. She can't come back. I miss her too."
Resist the urge to add a new explanation each time. A child this age is not looking for more information. They are checking the ground is still solid.
Why Small Words Beat Gentle Ones
A four year old believes what you say, word for word. That is lovely most of the time, and it is exactly why the gentle phrases go wrong at this age.
- "She's gone to sleep." Now sleep is the thing you do not wake up from. Bedtime can get much harder.
- "We lost Nan." Lost things get found. Why is nobody out looking?
- "He's gone away." Away means coming back. A small child may wait by the window.
- "She's watching over you." Some children find that comforting. Others find it frightening, especially in the bath.
Use the word "died". It sounds hard to grown-up ears. To a four year old it is simply a new word, and you can explain it with their own body. If you have already used one of the soft phrases, it is not too late: "I said Nan went to sleep. I'm sorry, that wasn't right. Nan died, and she can't come back." There is a longer list of the phrases to swap if you want it.
A Goldfish Called Bubbles, And What A Four Year Old Can Manage
It was a school morning. My youngest was four, still in pyjamas, nose against the fish tank. "Why isn't Bubbles swimming?"
I already had Bubbles in a piece of kitchen roll. My hand was on the flush handle. Then I stopped. We were late for school anyway. So we buried Bubbles in a yoghurt pot under the rosemary, and my four-year-old said, "Bye, Bubbles. You were a good fish."
I very nearly flushed that goodbye away. A four year old can manage far more than we expect, as long as the words are small and a grown-up stays close. A small goodbye, done properly, is where a child first learns that sad things can be survived.
What Else Helps At This Age
- Keep the day the same. Nursery, tea, bath, bed. Tell them it out loud: "I'm still here. You're still going to nursery, and we're still having fish fingers for tea." For a child this age, a normal day is a big part of feeling safe.
- Tell them who does the missing job. If Nan did the nursery pick-up on Tuesdays, say who does it now, by name, before Tuesday comes. A missing routine is often how a three year old feels the death.
- Expect play. Children this age often play dying, funerals or hospitals. It can be a shock to see. It is how they practise understanding. Let it happen, and join in if you are invited.
- Expect grief in short bursts. Sad one minute, asking for a biscuit the next. That does not mean they did not care. Little children can only hold a big feeling for a short while at a time.
- Give them something to hold. A photo, a collar, a scarf that still smells of Nan. A small thing to hold can matter enormously.
- Let them see you sad. Name it, so it does not frighten them: "I'm crying because I miss Nan. I'll be okay." A child learns that sad things can be lived through by watching a grown-up do it.
Should A Young Child Go To The Funeral?
There is no single right answer, and families choose differently. What matters is that the choice is a real one, made once your child knows what they would be choosing.
So before you ask, tell them simply what happens: lots of people will be there, some of them will cry, and Nan's body will be in a special box called a coffin. Her body can't feel anything, so she isn't squashed or scared in there. If they come, give them one small job, like holding a flower, and pick one grown-up whose only job is them, ready to take them outside for a walk if they need it. And let them change their mind, right up to the door.
When To Get More Help
A lot of this is normal at three to five: the same question many times, clinginess, tummy aches, going back to things they had grown out of for a while, playing at dying, and bedtime getting harder.
Talk to your GP, your health visitor or your child's nursery if:
- the upset keeps getting bigger instead of slowly getting smaller;
- your child stops eating, sleeping or playing;
- the person who died looked after them every day;
- or you are simply worried. That is reason enough.
Free support in the UK: Child Bereavement UK, Winston's Wish and Cruse Bereavement Support for families after a death, including support for you. If it was a pet, Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Support. Older brothers and sisters can ring Childline on 0800 1111 themselves.
This page is one parent's words, written down. It is not counselling, and it does not replace counselling.
A Full Talk For Ages 3 To 5, Written Out For Your Goodbye
The script at the top of this page is the short version. Every pack has its own complete talk for ages 3 to 5, written for that goodbye, with notes on what to do when they ask again. And because children grow, every pack also has a separate talk for 6 to 8 and for 9 to 12, for brothers and sisters, or for later.
- What Happens When You Die (37 pages). For when your child asks what dying is, whether or not someone has died. Fifteen questions that come back, with answers, including "When is he coming back?" and "Is dying like sleeping?"
- When A Pet Dies (26 pages). The Vet Week, sudden deaths, and hamsters, fish and guinea pigs, including why you never flush the fish.
- When A Grandparent Dies (43 pages). The long goodbye, the morning after, the funeral, and "Who will look after me now?"
- In every pack: burial and cremation in words a child can hold, a Words To Swap page, when to get more help, and a fridge card to print and cut out.
The words you change, like names, are marked in yellow. If it does not help, email me within 30 days and you get every penny back, no reason needed.
For more than one goodbye: the Complete Set is all three packs, plus eleven printable Memory Pages, for £29.99. Younger children can draw on them instead of writing.
Not Buying Anything Today? Take The Free Card.
The Pocket Three Card is free for an email address. It gives you five lines to say when someone dies, the soft phrases like "gone to sleep" with a true sentence to use instead, what to say if you already used one, and three short lines printed big enough to stick on the fridge.
It downloads as soon as you enter your email on the home page, with a copy sent to you so you still have it next week.
Questions Parents Ask
How do you explain death to a 4 year old?
Use very few, plain words, and use the word "died". Explain it through the body: their body can squeeze, wiggle and breathe, and when somebody dies their body stops. Tell them it does not hurt, that the person cannot come back, and that it is not their fault. Then hold them and let them go next.
Why does my 3 year old keep asking when they are coming back?
Children this young usually do not yet understand that death is forever. Asking again is how they learn it, and how they check the answer has not changed. Give the same short answer every time: she died, she can't come back, I miss her too.
Is it normal for my 4 year old to play at dying or funerals?
Yes. Play is how young children practise understanding something big. Let it happen, and join in if you are invited. If the play seems very distressed, or keeps getting worse over time, talk to your GP or health visitor.
You do not need the perfect words for a four year old. You need a few true ones, said the same way every time, and a lap to say them from.